“It’s a BOY!!!”
As you know I always do a video with my blog… and I tried shooting this video about 4 different times… but I couldn’t do it without moisture.. the kind around the eyes. See.. some people cry beautifully and look pretty & sweet. Me? Uh… crying involves copious amounts of snot, slobber, edema (swelling) around the nose & eyes and a redness that comes from some deep latent irish gene that only expresses itself in tandem with tears.
So if you’ll pardon me.. I’ll just inset a few photos here and there!
You see it all started in May of 2000. Well… that’s when my whole world changed forever. Ta Da!!! My son, Parker, arrives on my scene!
Enter: All my preconceptions of what kind of mom I would be.
All my dreams, aspirations, desires, (a.k.a. expectations & attachments), to what my child would, could, should and would absolutely NOT be.
Strategy: Be the mother of the next incarnating Buddha!
Implementation: Total “health” hyper-vigilence! Peace, calm, chamomile and yoga with my baby. Eating only organic foods, preparing all baby food from scratch, breast feeding like a champion, reading books aloud, singing to, cuddling with, performing infant massage, and any and every infant bonding technique known to man… all in an effort for… well… bulding and nurturing physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual… perfection of course!
Course Correction: Diagnosis of PDD NOS by 18 mo. Official diagnosis of Autism, High Functioning by age 4. (Of course I didn’t believe the “experts” so they did the whole evaluation over again at age 5.) Diagnosed Autism High Functioning at age 5.
What is it I have learned from motherhood?
1. I did not have unconditional love
True. I thought I was so spiritual… so loving. C’mon, do you see Mother Teresa?! But you see? In even having an expectation that my son “should” be this or that or act like this or that… is well… an expectation. And why did I want that? So I could look like a good mom? I told myself that it was for my son’s best interest that I wanted these things for him, but was it? I mean, did it bother him? Or did it bother me? …it bothered me.
I think it’s normal that we as parents really look to get a little social equity from our children. When they behave well, we look good. When they make “THE” grade, we look good. When they make the team, we look good. We feel pride… uh… it’s about us again, isn’t it? How is that love? How is that unconditional?
Many people use their children to get their own sense of self-worth. If we do that, when do we really “see” our child… or any other person for that matter? That is a pattern of narcissism that leads to an unhealthy life of never really listening to or seeing another outside of the context of self. (And who do we call autistic??? Mmmmmm!!!)
My true test of unconditional love & acceptance came when I could finally love my son… accept my son in the midst of a hellish melt-down temper tantrum in the middle of Walmart or Target and still feel quiet, calm, solid, and okay with me…when I didn’t feel like it reflected on my ability to parent.
When I found I no longer worried about the judgement of others.. about what I looked like… or about looking like I had it “under control,” is where I found love, peace.. and acceptance… real unconditional love for my son.
Oddly enough, when I relaxed, let go and loved him no matter what, my parenting became firm, solid, consistent and reliable… independent of where we were or who was looking at us, my response to him was firm & consistent and not reactionary. I no longer put on a “show” for onlookers to make sure they knew I was a good mommy. I didn’t care what anyone thought anymore. I was finally free. Free to love. Free to be the best mom I could be. Free to “be” with my son no matter what showed up…. behaviorally or not.
The miracle? He began to respond to my strength, solidness, reliable consistency and love.
I became more compassionate and loving… toward him…. and oddly enough… it shifted to more compassion and acceptance for myself and for all those “others” around me as well.
My journey with Autism and with my son.. has shown me how to be truly present for someone else. I’ve learned that not everything is a reference to him or me and that everyone deserves their own acceptance, their own opinion, their own voice… not to be judged by me or my perception of what is “right.”
What has mothering given me? I’ve learned how to love, how to forgive, how to be courageous in the face of doubt & uncertainty. I’ve learned to let go, to enjoy the moments and to be solid in the unsolidness of it all.
What about all my early perceptions of parenting? We can all enjoy a laugh! Uh… I’m laughing! It’s funny!
I still got baby Buddha… just not the one filled with Mother’s expectations & attachments! (Laughing out loud again here!)
Cheers to every imperfect mommy who wouldda couldda shouldda done it differently. Cheers to all who feared they were not equipped for the challenge. Cheers to all who rose to the task anyway in their perfectly imperfect parenting.
I dedicate this to you…. YOU are the everyday Hero. The one who shines brighly!
I found Parker here dancing outdoors in the rain. “Hey, honey, what are you doing outside in your underware, goggles, and umbrella?” “Mommy, I need the goggles so I can see through the storm and an umbrella so I can play in it.” ~Out of the mouths of babes!!!
May YOU always find YOUR goggles to see through YOUR storms and have your umbrella ready so YOU can play in it!!!
(My miracle boy is now vlogging! Check out his vlog Right Here!)