“It’s a BOY!!!”
As you know I always do a video with my blog… and I tried shooting this video about 4 different times… but I couldn’t do it without moisture.. the kind around the eyes. See.. some people cry beautifully and look pretty & sweet. Me? Uh… crying involves copious amounts of snot, slobber, edema (swelling) around the nose & eyes and a redness that comes from some deep latent irish gene that only expresses itself in tandem with tears.
So if you’ll pardon me.. I’ll just inset a few photos here and there!
You see it all started in May of 2000. Well… that’s when my whole world changed forever. Ta Da!!! My son, Parker, arrives on my scene!
Enter: All my preconceptions of what kind of mom I would be.
All my dreams, aspirations, desires, (a.k.a. expectations & attachments), to what my child would, could, should and would absolutely NOT be.
Strategy: Be the mother of the next incarnating Buddha!
Implementation: Total “health” hyper-vigilence! Peace, calm, chamomile and yoga with my baby. Eating only organic foods, preparing all baby food from scratch, breast feeding like a champion, reading books aloud, singing to, cuddling with, performing infant massage, and any and every infant bonding technique known to man… all in an effort for… well… bulding and nurturing physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual… perfection of course!
Course Correction: Diagnosis of PDD NOS by 18 mo. Official diagnosis of Autism, High Functioning by age 4. (Of course I didn’t believe the “experts” so they did the whole evaluation over again at age 5.) Diagnosed Autism High Functioning at age 5.
What is it I have learned from motherhood?
1. I did not have unconditional love
True. I thought I was so spiritual… so loving. C’mon, do you see Mother Teresa?! But you see? In even having an expectation that my son “should” be this or that or act like this or that… is well… an expectation. And why did I want that? So I could look like a good mom? I told myself that it was for my son’s best interest that I wanted these things for him, but was it? I mean, did it bother him? Or did it bother me? …it bothered me.
I think it’s normal that we as parents really look to get a little social equity from our children. When they behave well, we look good. When they make “THE” grade, we look good. When they make the team, we look good. We feel pride… uh… it’s about us again, isn’t it? How is that love? How is that unconditional?
Many people use their children to get their own sense of self-worth. If we do that, when do we really “see” our child… or any other person for that matter? That is a pattern of narcissism that leads to an unhealthy life of never really listening to or seeing another outside of the context of self. (And who do we call autistic??? Mmmmmm!!!)
My true test of unconditional love & acceptance came when I could finally love my son… accept my son in the midst of a hellish melt-down temper tantrum in the middle of Walmart or Target and still feel quiet, calm, solid, and okay with me…when I didn’t feel like it reflected on my ability to parent.
When I found I no longer worried about the judgement of others.. about what I looked like… or about looking like I had it “under control,” is where I found love, peace.. and acceptance… real unconditional love for my son.
Oddly enough, when I relaxed, let go and loved him no matter what, my parenting became firm, solid, consistent and reliable… independent of where we were or who was looking at us, my response to him was firm & consistent and not reactionary. I no longer put on a “show” for onlookers to make sure they knew I was a good mommy. I didn’t care what anyone thought anymore. I was finally free. Free to love. Free to be the best mom I could be. Free to “be” with my son no matter what showed up…. behaviorally or not.
The miracle? He began to respond to my strength, solidness, reliable consistency and love.
I became more compassionate and loving… toward him…. and oddly enough… it shifted to more compassion and acceptance for myself and for all those “others” around me as well.
My journey with Autism and with my son.. has shown me how to be truly present for someone else. I’ve learned that not everything is a reference to him or me and that everyone deserves their own acceptance, their own opinion, their own voice… not to be judged by me or my perception of what is “right.”
What has mothering given me? I’ve learned how to love, how to forgive, how to be courageous in the face of doubt & uncertainty. I’ve learned to let go, to enjoy the moments and to be solid in the unsolidness of it all.
What about all my early perceptions of parenting? We can all enjoy a laugh! Uh… I’m laughing! It’s funny!
I still got baby Buddha… just not the one filled with Mother’s expectations & attachments! (Laughing out loud again here!)
Cheers to every imperfect mommy who wouldda couldda shouldda done it differently. Cheers to all who feared they were not equipped for the challenge. Cheers to all who rose to the task anyway in their perfectly imperfect parenting.
I dedicate this to you…. YOU are the everyday Hero. The one who shines brighly!
I found Parker here dancing outdoors in the rain. “Hey, honey, what are you doing outside in your underware, goggles, and umbrella?” “Mommy, I need the goggles so I can see through the storm and an umbrella so I can play in it.” ~Out of the mouths of babes!!!
May YOU always find YOUR goggles to see through YOUR storms and have your umbrella ready so YOU can play in it!!!
(My miracle boy is now vlogging! Check out his vlog Right Here!)
May 9th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
Tamara, this is so insightful. Thank you so much for sharing of yourself and what you’ve learned along your journey. I admire that you have grown through the trials of motherhood and your unique circumstance over the years. I also really enjoy your writing style. Keep up the inspiration!
May 9th, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Thank you Cole! It took me FOREVER to write this post! And… just couldn’t do it on video! So I really feel touched that the message I had in my heart came out and expressed what I needed to express. Thank you for taking the time to read my words and then… leaving me yours. Much love and gratitude to you. xo
May 9th, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Tamara,
I enjoyed this piece. It was heartfelt and a reflection of your personal growth as a Mom in the midst of trials.
I wrote this today on FB: Who can argue that the most vested of all are mothers? They physically carry us 9 months. They continue to carry us & later carry us emotionally. They are our greatest cheerleaders. Later, they let us go giving us wings & hoping for our best. They know us & always love us EVEN when we may not deserve it. Happy Mother’s Day, especially to the lady who carried me & my wife who carries my children & to all moms!
Happy Mother’s Day ot you, T!
May 9th, 2010 at 8:45 pm
Tamara, I have read many articles on children with PDD NOS,OCD and ADHD. Why one might ask, am I a phycologist,case worker, therapist etc. No, I am a parent with two beautiful, smart, fun loving children that struggle everyday with their disabilities.
Wondering, why I wasn’t sent the parenting manual on how to deal with each of their obstacles also made me wonder what I had done wrong. See, I thought this must be something certainly I could instantly fix and control. How could this happen to me? What would I be able to do, in order to protect them from others so they weren’t looked at differently and why they acted certain ways.
What I learned is I’m not alone. There are so many wonderful children and adults that suffer from Anxiety and Austism. I to thought the authorities on my kids diagnosis must be wrong.
What I have learned from my kids is they are more loving,caring and every bit as smart as their peers. They just have to work a little harder and they have taught me a lifetime of patience. See, when things aren’t going right in their little worlds, that’s where I am blessed being their Daddy. Learning the tools along with them in order to help keep all of us on the right path.
Tamara, thank you so much for this beautiful post. I believe you should send it into a few magazines and have it published. This is one of the best I’ve every read from a parent and not another so called authority doing a thesis.
To you and all the other mothers out there that work hard everyday to realize just what special gifts they were given!!!
Happy Mothers Day!!!
May 9th, 2010 at 8:51 pm
Joe, thank you so much for your words… I am so grateful for a friend like you… I see you “see” and I have a ton of respect for you. Thank you for reading my post and for taking the time to comment to me. I LOVE the “conversation” and continued communication the reply function allows. Much love to you Joe! XO!
May 9th, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Oh wow Steve!! I know you “know” what moving through adversity means. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Thank you for encouraging me to post & write… especially on such a personal topic! (Right??!!) I am certain you know just how personal and deeply touching this topic is.
Thank you for your words… I am humbled by you.. and touched.
Much love to you… and your treasures. XO!
May 9th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
You are such an amazing mom and a great example. I understand that crying bit I know that happens to me too. I am grateful for your friendship.
May 9th, 2010 at 11:32 pm
I like your honesty in this post. I can very much relate to your feelings and expectations. Unconditional love is beautiful, but, so true, it asks to let go of many things…. probably the gift of having them in our life.
May 10th, 2010 at 8:21 am
Hi Tamara,
Good post! Don’t worry about the video. It was good break from your norm. Regardless, you’ll have plenty of other opportunities to shoot video.
Best wishes,
Kelly
May 10th, 2010 at 10:23 am
Thank you Kelly! I always appreciate solid feedback! xo!
May 10th, 2010 at 10:26 am
Eric! You couldn’t be more right! This is truth… and wisdom. Letting go…. whew! A tough lesson for me indeed!
Much love to you and your family. I know that YOU know of what I speak.
Blessings!! XOXO!
May 10th, 2010 at 10:29 am
Andrea, thank you (hugs back to a fellow Mommy!)
Tears are many things.. for me. Sometimes sadness, other times great joy.. and an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all the things I can’t even begin to explain.
Tears are amazing.. and they remind me of my humanness.. of my connection to my own humanity and soul.
Much love to you, and thank you for taking the time to write me. It means so much.
xo!
May 10th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Tamara, yes it is a deep emotional topic and one the world needs to hear about. I encourage everyone I can every day but you express it so much better.
I am now going to challenge you, to get up the courage, and send this article to as many different magazines as possible. In my opinion the whole world needs to read it. When someone writes from the heart as you do, it bleeds through to the soul. There are so many moms and dads out there that need the strength and courage, finding the path, that will help them help the one or ones that mean the most too them!
For sharing from the heart thank you and Parker both.
Steve
May 10th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Wow, Steve…. you caught me there. Okay, I felt that really deeply… especially the finding the path part. You’ve no idea the conversation I had professionally today regarding illuminating paths and my heart’s calling as a speaker/writer… yet you wrote me this response today.
I take that as a huge confirmation, and I thank you for being so in-touch yourself that you communicated your heart with me.
We have these children for a reason, right? Great teachers every one of them.
Thank you Steve… for your encouragement… your support… and your challenge. (wink!)
XO!
May 11th, 2010 at 12:39 am
Yes Tamara, we have these children for all the right reasons! See our higher power will only give us what we can handle. I firmly believe this.
Once we start understanding the challenges both we and the child face. It is then only right, that we help others understand, these are wonderful human beings that need a little more understanding and a lot less criticism. You are helping others better understand how we are the lucky parents. See, we get to love something way deeper than just a child.
Our fortune lies in their ability, to teach us to be better human beings, through their special needs.
This is the blessings we have been given and I treasure the learning curve each and everyday.
Tamara, thank you for allowing me to encourage you and give you understanding support. Yes, the challenge is still there. I hope you run with it. I’m here to cheer you on!!!!!
May 11th, 2010 at 1:26 am
Big Hugs Steve! XO!
May 12th, 2010 at 4:35 am
nice post. thanks.
May 12th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
Wow. Tamarra. I am floored. Not sure if more by the force of your ideas or the eloquence of your words. here I thought you were just a fun hottie goin’ up a mountain with me. My nephew is a high functioning autistic…but that’s not what he IS…that’s just his diagnosis. I can’t wait to share with my sister your lovely message of finding peace and true deep love in all of it’s most glorified expressions! Bliss you for this, hon. Tight squeezes Mamacita! G
May 12th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
Gina, I can’t thank you enough for your kindness. You are so right… when we meet people, we don’t know what’s going on in the background of their lives.
I’m delighted that I got to share my world with you… and a piece of my soul here… and I look forward to learning more about yours as we climb that Everest peak in Nepal together (with our amazing Team!) ….. Yes we are crazy… but it’s for charity. Plus how I see it, we can do anything! (and what’s normal anyway, right? It’s good to be a little nutty sometimes!)
I’m so glad you can share this with your sister. Let me know if I can be of service to her or your family.
It takes a village…. and we’re all in this together! (even when it feels like we’re all alone)
Much love to you…. my new beautiful friend (sista!) XO!
May 13th, 2010 at 7:03 am
Hi Tamara,
My sis (Gina aka SuuperG) forwarded this to me – what a touching, eloquent way to start the day… My firstborn Dane was born a few weeks after Parker (June 2000) and, whew! What a journey it is… NO parent with no or typical children can understand how something like this can effect your life on a day to day basis – I have 2 other children and sometimes see how easy it is to flow through life when your children act so ‘normal’- but you are SO RIGHT! By accepting our children as their individual selves and loving every bit of who they are as it blooms, that is the best mothering we can give. I’m not saying I achieve this point all the time, but I get it, and I often find myself contemplating a complete change in focus in my life, dedicated to these kiddoes… then I chill out once again and just work on myself and my expectations while i help Dane navigate through life – because what I truly want is for him to be able to look back on his own life and find as much happiness as possible there…
XO to you and Parker,
Irina
May 13th, 2010 at 7:48 am
(((HUGS)))) to you Gina! I…. as you, do not achieve my highest in every moment either….uh…okay…. far from it! LOL!
First and foremost I have learned to have compassion on me. I think as women in general.. then lop onto that the role of being somebody’s “mother” can make us feel like we’ve got to do it all… and do it perfectly (as June Cleaver did) with high heels, pearls, and a smile. …..hee hee! So if that’s not a set up for failure, I dunno what is!
(okay so in dark moments I’ve had naughty fantasies of June Cleaver having my kid for a weekend… just sayin)
…. lots of laughter over here & HUGE smiles!
My “secret” is compassion … and humor.. lots of humor. I can laugh at me in a way that brings joy and greater, deeper compassion for me, you, the world and our kids….and the entire human experience! It is a much kinder, gentler, loving place that I have arrived.
I owe it all to this experience. And now I owe this experience the opportunity it gave me to meet a wonderful person like you.
Much love & blessings to you and your Dane.. as well as your entire family (and your kind & lovely sister Gina too!)
Let’s stay connected and let me know if I can ever be of service to you and your family!
xo!
Tamara
May 13th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Tamara,
You’ve got heart. You’ve got soul. And you’ve got a gift. As always, you touch me and I admire you so much.
Parenting pulls everything out of us and more. Having lost a child, I have an experience of the best of times and worst of times and how how much it take for us to show up day after day after day and i wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I remember what my friend Johnny (who is high functioning autistic) told me once about his childhood. This was way, way back before anyone knew anything about anything.
He would drop eggs on the floor and get lost in the world that was created as the yolk danced with the white and pieces of shell. What did his mother do? She dropped an egg and joined her beloved son in his world as best she could. And that made ALL the difference.
That’s who I see YOU as. As much a complete blessing to your son as he is to you.
Love and more love,
Adam
May 15th, 2010 at 9:12 am
Dear Adam,
Thank you for your depth of sharing. I am honored by your friendship. I can’t even begin to imagine the strength and courage you possess after losing a child.
What a blessing you are to everyone the way you share your gifts and talents with respect to love and relationships. I see you have much wisdom.. deeper than anyone can imagine.
Thank you for your kindness, your support, your love & encouragement. I deeply appreciate the connection and friendship we’ve come to have through this beautiful vehicle called the internet.
Much love …and blessings to you Adam,
Tamara
July 1st, 2010 at 10:53 am
I feel your story loud and clear and can relate to it deeply. You see, my son was born February 2000 and throughout his younger years I knew something was different, but I kept looking at what I was doing wrong. Was it my parenting, the way I was disciplining him or the way I was reacting to him?
Once he hit grade 1 the real fun began. I now had a child I battled with on a daily basis and his temper tantrums would last 2 hours that were highly aggressive while I had 2 other children to deal with, on my own. I feared going out in public for fear that a tantrum would surface with everyone watching, judging and no one wanting to help.
For the past 3 years we have been dealing with professionals trying to figure out what was going on. Mild autism, aspergers and PDD have been tossed around with no diagnosis and therefore no treatment. When you are dealing with something different in life you have to fight until if fits for you and your family and a mother always knows.
The biggest thing I have struggled with is the judgement from others, telling me what I should do and what I was doing wrong with no real understanding of what my life was like and of course my own judgement of myself.
I am currently trying to relax more, let go and love him for the way he experiences life. And like you say, compassion and acceptance of myself is needed, yet difficult when I am emotionally drained, have no time to myself and am trying just to gain enough energy to do it all again the next day.
Your story is inspiring and gives me hope for what I can achieve. It is so good to hear another persons story that sounds so familiar to mine, so for that I thank you!
Robin
July 5th, 2010 at 12:01 am
Robin, thank you so much for posting your comment. I feel you through your words.
It’s challenging at best for people who have not experienced the fear, the chaos, the out-fo-control feeling a household can have with a child who has the struggles that some of our children have lived into. It does require stretching and growing, and a whole host of “other” methods to bring balance back to such a situation.
I can offer you hope. I can offer you a light at the end of the tunnel. I can offer you love, compassion and respect.
I’m delighted we are now connected. Thank you again for reaching out, opening up and allowing others to not only see you, but see themselves or maybe their own child through your courage here.
Much love to you and your whole family,
Tamara